A Story in Six Words

Dad:  Opportunity Lost.  Eternity Questioned.  Heartbroken.



She Reads Scholarship Contest for She Speaks Conference

The Heart of the Matter

For the duration of our twelve year marriage, my husband has battled substance abuse.  This situation has been trying to say the least, but I wouldn’t trade the lessons God has taught me through it for the world.  Being in a tough situation has opened the door for God to reveal Himself to me in ways I would have never imagined.  Some have taken the form of glorious blessings and others have been painful and humbling lessons learned.

One of those lessons happened a few years ago.  During one of my husband’s binges, someone close to me posed these questions, “What do you think God is trying to teach you with all of this?  Do you think that God is trying to get you to change by allowing this to keep happening?”  I’d like to say that I accepted this as truth and immediately dropped to my knees before God, begging for His forgiveness and instruction, but I didn’t.  Instead, I was truly offended that this person would even suggest I was in any way the “cause” of my husband’s addictions and poor decisions.  As hard as I tried to push that conversation from my mind, God relentlessly pushed it to the forefront of my consciousness.

I was comfortable in my rebellion.  It allowed me to place all the blame on my husband and his sin; “If only he would stop, everything would be fine” or “Our marriage would be perfect, if he didn’t have this problem”.  Boy was I deceived!  I was blind to the fact that Satan was using my husband’s addiction to keep my focus off of myself, my sin, and my own desperate need for grace.  Essentially, I was so deceived that I was not fulfilling God’s plan for me.  I was too busy trying to control my husband, using Christianity as a platform to vocalize my demands and justify my actions.  For a long time, I sat on my pedestal, reigning down judgment, using the Bible as a weapon.   I was completely lacking love and mercy.

What I failed to recognize was that I had things backwards.  I believed with all my heart that my husband’s issues had to be resolved before I could be free to deal with my own stuff.  In reality, God’s desire is for me to allow Him to change me so I can take part in the change HE is bringing about in someone else’s life.  That was a concept I couldn’t wrap my mind around – I have to let God change me first?  But my issues don’t cause problems!  Or do they?  I’ve learned that my responses to the people around me are shaped by the condition of my heart.  In order for me to take part in what God is doing in the life of a loved one, I have to first allow God to change my heart.  James 4:1 puts it this way, “What causes fights and quarrels among you?  Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?”  There’s no doubt about it, the inevitable arguments that arose in my marriage were often marred by my heart’s desire to control my husband and the situation.  I may not be the direct cause of my husband’s addiction, but the condition of my heart affects my ability to step back and allow God to work.

In order for God to reveal the obstacles in my heart that prevent me from being fully used by Him, I have to be willing to let go of my pride.  Yes, I said the “p” word, and yes, it’s a huge issue for me.  When I finally let my guard down, God showed me that I am mostly driven by fear.  To be absolutely clear, this is not something I would admit freely about myself.  I’m too proud for that, and in my opinion, fear is a sign of weakness waiting to be taken advantage of.  It was much easier to claim anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness.   In my twisted mind, those things were acceptable given my circumstance.  Fear, however was unacceptable.  A weakness I was not willing to admit.  As I write this, 1 John 4:18 is bubbling over in my heart, “…perfect love casts out fear.  For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love” (NIV).  Love was definitely not a part of my equation.

In my stubbornness, I was refusing to receive God’s love, grace, and strength.  To me, admitting weakness was admitting defeat.  But again, God’s Word spoke:  “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Cor. 12:9, ESV).  And it was a fresh word!  I’ve read that verse countless times (it’s even highlighted in my Bible), but this time I didn’t just read it – God spoke it to me.  In admitting my weakness and exposing my heart, I was opening the door for God to exert His power in my situation.  Thank you Lord for Your infinite grace and mercy!

To be free of my fear, I have to be willing to surrender my weakness and accept God’s love.    His love empowers me to rise above my circumstance and not be enslaved by it.  Christ’s death and resurrection free me from bondage to my sin.  By surrendering to Him, I am allowing His perfect love to flow through me, changing my heart and in turn my outlook on life.  I am free to live the life He has planned for me!

Hosea 10:12 (NLT) has become my verse to live by: “Plant the good seeds of righteousness, and you will harvest a crop of My Love.  Plow up the hard ground of your hearts, for now is the time to seek the Lord, that He may come and shower righteousness upon you.”


I wrote this blog post last week as an entry to win a scholarship to the SheSpeaks Conference held in July.  I did not win that particular scholarship - but I've just gotten home and stumbled upon another scholarship opportunity.  Here is an exerpt from the She Speaks site to explain the purpose of the conference:

She Speaks is a life-changing conference for women of every generation seeking to explore the tug on her heart to reach out to the world for Jesus. Through She Speaks, Proverbs 31 Ministries encourages and equips women who are called by God to share our mission to bring God’s peace, perspective and purpose to today’s busy woman.

Ann Voskamp is giving away a scholarship to attend the SheSpeaks Conference in July...would you join me and click this link to enter?

A Generous Spirit

Every third Saturday, I volunteer with my church to feed the homeless and hungry.  As I was getting ready to go downtown, I was pondering other ways to help these people other than proving a meal.  It occurred to me that a lot of them probably go without things that I consider to be necessities.  All kinds of ideas were swirling around in my head - little baggies of travel sized hygiene items, a shoe drive to provide shoes, mini bibles to hand out, etc.
I'll admit, there is always a battle raging in my heart when it comes to the homeless.  Part of me would give everything I have to a person in need, and another part of me would say that in doing so I would only be enabling the person.  I've been through hard times in life, some of my own doing and others that were beyond my control.  The same it true of the homeless population as well.  Some are there because they are trapped in a vicious cycle of addiction that has robbed them of the ability to make rational decisions.  Others have suffered losses that have placed them in a season of hardship.  And others suffer from mental illness that hampers their ability to provide for themselves.  I can identify with all of these things.

After we served the meal Saturday, I was talking with someone about our experiences volunteering and the desire to do more.  She said that her small group had considered doing a coat drive to provide coats for the needy, but had decided not to do it because the people would probably just get the coats and turn around and sell them.  She said that they probably even sell the extra plates of food we pass out at the end of each meal.  I'd like to say that I was appalled by this way of thinking, but like I said, I struggle with this way of thinking too.  And the reality is that some of them will do that, but what about the ones that don't?  That act of kindness could be the thing that makes Jesus real to ONE person, and that should be my focus.  So what are we to do?

I immediately thought of the verse my daughter and I taped up in the shower a couple of weeks ago for her to memorize (she likes to sing them in the shower):

"I tell you the truth, anything you did for even the least of my people here, you also did for Me."  Matthew 25:40  (NCV)

And that settles it.  God has called me to minister to this group of people, and that is what I am supposed to do out of obedience to Him.  I am not called to judge them, I am called to seek Him.  He will guide me into what is right and give me the discernment to know the best path to take.  My job is to trust Him.

I love the way God orchestrates things!  I put that verse up for my daughter, but, God used it on me... my Small Group Study this week is Chapter 5 of "It's No Secret" by Rachel Olsen and is all about our call to live generously.

You think God is trying to tell me something??  I do.

I am supposed to be generous not only to the needy, but also to those who are close to me - my husband, children, family, and friends.  Each of these people will benefit, in some way, from my generous spirit.

Out of My Comfort Zone

Whew, God has really been giving me a spiritual workout lately! It came to a head last night when He decided to pull a funny on me and take me way out of my comfort zone.

Earlier this week, I was talking to a friend of mine about how we don't like to pray out-loud in front of other people - actually, I can't even do it alone. I'm more of a journal-er...I just have too many thoughts swirling around in this head of mine and have a hard time letting them out on the spot in a way that makes sense. When I write things down it seems to slow my mind down because it has to stay in line with my pen. Can anyone relate to this, or are my friend and I the only one's on the planet with this issue?

So anyway, last night in my Advocate Training Class, we were done with our discussion and it was time for the closing prayer. I will be doggoned if the leader didn't look right at me and ask me to pray! I almost fell out of my chair...I have been going to group Bible Studies for YEARS and no one has ever asked me to pray!! Panic set in and the word "No" immediately and instinctively popped out of my mouth - my body went into survival mode. LOL - the leader had this look of shock on her face and I knew I had to correct the situation. My mind went back to my conversation with my friend and I knew that God set this up. I had this vision of Him sitting on His Throne in Heaven with His hand on His chin slowly shaking His head.

I told the leader I would pray, but I wanted to apologize in advance if it didn't make any sense. Then I begged God to help me! The next part has me cracking up so hard that it may take a while for me to find the right words to type. I bowed my head and cleared my throat and the word "Lord" came out of my mouth so loud and with such force that anyone who may have been tempted to daydream or think about other things while I prayed was undoubtably snapped to attention. I even scared myself! I am laughing so hard right now... I hope if you are reading this you get it and I haven't just spent 20 minutes telling a "you had to be there" story.  The rest of the prayer went fine, and I'm pretty sure it made sense - when I opened my eyes, no one was staring at me with their mouths wide open.

The reason I'm telling you this is that I love that my God is a God who will stretch my limits and push my boundaries.  He is never content to let me pick a comfy spot and stay put.

"You have done many good things for me, Lord, just as You promised.  I believe in Your commands; now teach me good judgment and knowledge.  I used to wander off until You disciplined me; but now I closely follow Your Word.  You are good and You only do good; teach me Your principles."  Psalm 119:65-68

Abigail & Nabal

I am fascinated by the story of Abigail & Nabal.

Their story can be found in 1 Samuel 25:1-42.  Basically, Abigail is married to a man, Nabal, who is a drunk and a fool.  1 Samuel 25:3 says this:  "The man's name was Nabal, and his wife Abigail, was a sensible and beautiful woman.  But Nabal, a descendant of Caleb, was mean and dishonest in all his dealings."    One day, David sent one of his men to ask Nabal for any food and drink he may have to spare.  He figured that Nabal would be more than happy to give it to them because he and his men had looked after Nabal's shepherd's and flock at some point in the past.  Well, I guess David thought wrong!  Nabal refused to send them anything calling them outlaws and run away servants.  His response made David very angry, so he gathered 400 of his men and told them to get their swords, they were going after Nabal.

In comes Abigail... One of Nabal's servants went to Abigail and told her everything that was going on, ending with "You'd better think fast, for there is going to be trouble for our master and his whole family..." 1 Samuel 25:17.  Now, if I were Abigail, I would have marched right out to my husband and most likely told him in all kinds of ways that he was a complete fool for acting the way he did.  But she didn't, the Bible says she quickly packed up a lot of food and wine on a donkey and she and her servants when out to find David.  It specifically says, "She didn't tell her husband what she was doing" 1 Samuel 25:19.  She knew her entire household was in danger and that confronting her husband would waste time and probably do no good.

Abigail had the wisdom to know she could not be her husband's Holy Spirit and the strength to try to right his wrongs.  Most importantly, I think she put her trust in the right person... God, not Nabal.  She went out alone to face David and his army of 400 men!

When she saw David approaching, she got off her donkey and bowed down before him.  She told David that she took all the blame for what her husband had done and begged him to hear her out.  She told him not to listen to her husband Nabal - that his name meant "fool" and that's what he was.  She goes on to tell him that she didn't see the servants he sent and asks him to accept all the goods she has brought.  Then, SHE asks for his forgiveness, if anything she has done has offended him!  Her wisdom allows her to reason with David in a way that I can only dream of doing at this point.  She reminds him of his calling and encourages him not to sin.

"The Lord will surely reward you with a lasting dynasty, for you are fighting the Lord's battles.  And you have not done wrong throughout your entire life...When the Lord has done all He has promised and has made you leader of Israel, don't let this be a blemish on your record."  1 Samuel 25: 28, 30  (NLT)

 In response to her pleas, David praises God for sending her out to meet him and blesses her for stopping him from "carrying out vengance" with his own hands.  He goes on to tell her that if she hadn't come to meet him, not one of Nabal's men would be alive the next morning.

There are so many things I can learn from Abigail! But right now, there is one thing that God has been showing me I have to learn:  I have made my husband an idol...not in the worshipping way, but I tend to depend on him more than I depend on God.  I have spent the majority of our 12 year marriage reacting to my husband first and relying on God second.  To see that in black and white is truly humbling.  It brings tears to my eyes to realize what I've been doing and how hard it will be to keep from doing it in the future.  It is freeing though, living in a constant state of reaction is extremely tiring - mentally, physically, and spiritually.

Instead of constantly reacting to and trying to "fix" my husband, I am going to give him to God, and I mean complete surrender, right now.  I pray that God will give me the wisdom to recognize when I start to head back to old ways and the discernment to hear Him direct me in a new direction.  Right now, I'm in the process of examining my heart and uncovering attitudes and feelings that need to go...

Here's a verse I'm memorizing for encouragement:

"Plant the good seeds of righteousness, and you will harvest a crop of my love.  Plow up the hard ground of your hearts, for now is the time to seek the Lord, that He may come and shower righteousness upon you."  Hosea 10:12 (NLT)

The Dreaded Shred

Okay...I spent all of last week psyching myself up to start Jillian Michael's "30 Day Shred", yet again.  I don't know what it is, but every time I get my mind set to start my exercise program over I feel like I'm getting sick!  LOL - it sound ridiculous, but it seems to be a pattern for me.   And now, here I sit blogging about exercising instead of hopping on the elliptical for 30 minutes followed by The Shred...I have my workout clothes on too :).

I've started "The Shred" before and it's really not all that bad, so I'm off... after a bite to eat and the required 30 minutes to let my food digest!

Hi, and welcome to my blog!!  I am new to this so I will just start off with the basics.  I'm a stay at home mom to three children, living in coastal NC.  For anyone interested in the meaning of the title of my blog, it's a bible verse that I've recently realized is a perfect description of me, lol.  It says, "A nagging spouse is like the drip, drip, drip of a leaky faucet; You can't turn it off, and you can't get away from it."  Proverbs27: 15-16(MSG).  That's me...a leaky faucet.

I have asked God to help me change this about myself, instead of being a nagging wife, I want to be more like the Proverbs 31 wife.  I'm laughing as I type that because, if God were to give me some kind of Damascus Road experience and fix my leak, so to speak, it would be such a radical difference that my husband may think I've lost my mind or completely given up and have me committed.  So, slow and steady will suffice, and eventually with God's help I will be this woman: "Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life.  She will not hinder him but help him all of her life."  

Proverbs 31:11-12.

So, that's why I started this blog.  To make a journal of my progress toward shutting off my leak and share what I learn with others.  Hopefully, someone other than my mom will read it :) !