A Story in Six Words

Dad:  Opportunity Lost.  Eternity Questioned.  Heartbroken.



She Reads Scholarship Contest for She Speaks Conference

The Heart of the Matter

For the duration of our twelve year marriage, my husband has battled substance abuse.  This situation has been trying to say the least, but I wouldn’t trade the lessons God has taught me through it for the world.  Being in a tough situation has opened the door for God to reveal Himself to me in ways I would have never imagined.  Some have taken the form of glorious blessings and others have been painful and humbling lessons learned.

One of those lessons happened a few years ago.  During one of my husband’s binges, someone close to me posed these questions, “What do you think God is trying to teach you with all of this?  Do you think that God is trying to get you to change by allowing this to keep happening?”  I’d like to say that I accepted this as truth and immediately dropped to my knees before God, begging for His forgiveness and instruction, but I didn’t.  Instead, I was truly offended that this person would even suggest I was in any way the “cause” of my husband’s addictions and poor decisions.  As hard as I tried to push that conversation from my mind, God relentlessly pushed it to the forefront of my consciousness.

I was comfortable in my rebellion.  It allowed me to place all the blame on my husband and his sin; “If only he would stop, everything would be fine” or “Our marriage would be perfect, if he didn’t have this problem”.  Boy was I deceived!  I was blind to the fact that Satan was using my husband’s addiction to keep my focus off of myself, my sin, and my own desperate need for grace.  Essentially, I was so deceived that I was not fulfilling God’s plan for me.  I was too busy trying to control my husband, using Christianity as a platform to vocalize my demands and justify my actions.  For a long time, I sat on my pedestal, reigning down judgment, using the Bible as a weapon.   I was completely lacking love and mercy.

What I failed to recognize was that I had things backwards.  I believed with all my heart that my husband’s issues had to be resolved before I could be free to deal with my own stuff.  In reality, God’s desire is for me to allow Him to change me so I can take part in the change HE is bringing about in someone else’s life.  That was a concept I couldn’t wrap my mind around – I have to let God change me first?  But my issues don’t cause problems!  Or do they?  I’ve learned that my responses to the people around me are shaped by the condition of my heart.  In order for me to take part in what God is doing in the life of a loved one, I have to first allow God to change my heart.  James 4:1 puts it this way, “What causes fights and quarrels among you?  Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?”  There’s no doubt about it, the inevitable arguments that arose in my marriage were often marred by my heart’s desire to control my husband and the situation.  I may not be the direct cause of my husband’s addiction, but the condition of my heart affects my ability to step back and allow God to work.

In order for God to reveal the obstacles in my heart that prevent me from being fully used by Him, I have to be willing to let go of my pride.  Yes, I said the “p” word, and yes, it’s a huge issue for me.  When I finally let my guard down, God showed me that I am mostly driven by fear.  To be absolutely clear, this is not something I would admit freely about myself.  I’m too proud for that, and in my opinion, fear is a sign of weakness waiting to be taken advantage of.  It was much easier to claim anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness.   In my twisted mind, those things were acceptable given my circumstance.  Fear, however was unacceptable.  A weakness I was not willing to admit.  As I write this, 1 John 4:18 is bubbling over in my heart, “…perfect love casts out fear.  For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love” (NIV).  Love was definitely not a part of my equation.

In my stubbornness, I was refusing to receive God’s love, grace, and strength.  To me, admitting weakness was admitting defeat.  But again, God’s Word spoke:  “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Cor. 12:9, ESV).  And it was a fresh word!  I’ve read that verse countless times (it’s even highlighted in my Bible), but this time I didn’t just read it – God spoke it to me.  In admitting my weakness and exposing my heart, I was opening the door for God to exert His power in my situation.  Thank you Lord for Your infinite grace and mercy!

To be free of my fear, I have to be willing to surrender my weakness and accept God’s love.    His love empowers me to rise above my circumstance and not be enslaved by it.  Christ’s death and resurrection free me from bondage to my sin.  By surrendering to Him, I am allowing His perfect love to flow through me, changing my heart and in turn my outlook on life.  I am free to live the life He has planned for me!

Hosea 10:12 (NLT) has become my verse to live by: “Plant the good seeds of righteousness, and you will harvest a crop of My Love.  Plow up the hard ground of your hearts, for now is the time to seek the Lord, that He may come and shower righteousness upon you.”


I wrote this blog post last week as an entry to win a scholarship to the SheSpeaks Conference held in July.  I did not win that particular scholarship - but I've just gotten home and stumbled upon another scholarship opportunity.  Here is an exerpt from the She Speaks site to explain the purpose of the conference:

She Speaks is a life-changing conference for women of every generation seeking to explore the tug on her heart to reach out to the world for Jesus. Through She Speaks, Proverbs 31 Ministries encourages and equips women who are called by God to share our mission to bring God’s peace, perspective and purpose to today’s busy woman.

Ann Voskamp is giving away a scholarship to attend the SheSpeaks Conference in July...would you join me and click this link to enter?